Will I...

I often think back into the past and wonder, "What was i thinking?" And now I wonder if in the future I'll be thinking the same exact thing about now...

I was often stupid in my days with men. I opened my heart up easily, trusting everyone. And for the most part I don't regret the relationships or the experiences I had with each individual. I think I learned something from every relationship. But then there are those ones that I still question what in the hell was I thinking!

With Marcus, I think I always knew we wouldn't work out. He wasn't emotionally available and he was still hung up on his ex fiancee although he rarely admitted it. He didn't treat me like I deserved to be treated. I have an extremely strong suspicion he cheated on me, but I've been able to move past him for the most part.

With Tommy everything was different. I felt loved, protected, and special. Everything he said or did showed how much he cared. He built me back up and put my heart back together. He saved me. Maybe we just got so comfortable with each other that we got into a rut. And then out of the blue, his ex fiancee starts talking to him and asking for help...and all of a sudden he became a completely different person. He wanted to start watching porn again. He went to a strip club even though he had said before he didn't care to experience that. And he became even more distant than before. I miss the man that I fell in love with. The man that showed me so much love and respect this past year than any man has ever showed me combined. Hell 6 months ago he wanted to propose to me. But now, everything's changed.

I don't want to be thinking about this situation weeks or months or even years from now wondering what I was thinking. Why did I trust again? But I love him so much, more than I've loved any other man so how can I just give up now? Is it worth the pain I'll probably go through later on? I just don't know anymore...what's the right thing to do? I wish I knew.

So for now, I start rebuilding those walls. Those walls that he so easily tore down. I'm not sure how I do it...I just have to...